Who am I?

I have written one blog, one, ONE, 1, Uno, ichi and somehow I have received several 'pointers' possibly you can call them constructive criticism from people who "Really Blog." I honestly received six critiques mainly saying the same thing. "Who are you?" "Why should we care if we don't know you?" and mostly "So this is what you did that day.. just thought about this all day? be more personal talk about what you did and what your planning and stuff no one wants to hear your opinion on things." So in mature retort: 

"Go Fuck something related to yourself!"

I was under the impression that this is MY blog, I can post the words "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" 2938472984 times and post it everyday if I wanted to. This pretentious assumption that I have to write every move of everyday seems not only exhausting but a tad bit self absorbed. I understand people are voyeuristic and inclined to snoop in others business but I assure you nothings all that special with me.
Which begs the question..?

"Who am I?" 

Fine! I'm an out of work Comedian, out of work in both respects. I pay my few bills with guitar lessons I teach and charge for. Since the last time I wrote blog 1, I have applied at 23 places with no production. I have a 3 year old girl named Zoey who means so much to me to ridiculous, yet I still have to fight my depression just to get out of bed - of course that's after I stare at the ceiling looking for another reason just to keep breathing. I know, I know, I can hear it now "Isn't she enough to live for?" Well yes, but much like any drug you can build a tolerance. Horrible I know, but I'm also honest. I have this over inflated sense of right and wrong and this horrible ability to understand most to all aspects of life. I know myself enough to know my problems and isolate them, however lately it's been a very heavy fucking blanket of crap which makes it hard to care about anything. About 4 months ago I got diagnosed with Liver disease and if I don't fix that by losing weight I'll be in a world of shit. Well, I've lost 35 LBS and I still have a problem... I keep wanting to fight because that's all I do, fight. I assume much like a few other people, I noticed I don't know how to have fun. I'm either uncomfortable or blah.

Liver keeps hurting, need to get it checked I hope it hurts because it's regenerating...
BTW I don't drink, ain't that a fucking bitch.. should have had a few kegs
OK..  Two long Island Ice teas and my panties are in the air.

I don't know why I decided to write this, and this meaning all of this, this blog in general and this specific blog. I can only assume it is to purge demons.. I have a lot of demons.
   
I don't remember where I hear that writing is cathartic.. I guess we'll see. 

Anyhow, Back to the main question of the blog this time around.. Who am I? Isn't that the MAIN question life? I laughed the first time someone asked me "Who are you?"
I responded with "Ed." The guy got all quiet leans close to me, and looks into my eyes and asks.
"Who's Ed?" Without missing a beat, I leaned in close to him, looked into his eyes and say.
"Still me"
He then started the preach to the small group of people I was with about how that question, and how it is what we all must try to answer and learn from. I cut him off to ask 
"Wait? Everyone has been asking this question?!'
"Why yes son" I turned to my group of friends "I'm Ed.. We hung out last week.. smoked pot remember?"
Then the guy made it all general about how we have to find out who we are as people on this planet. At that point I gave up giving a shit and messing with the guy was getting boring.


That's it...



No revelation, no "His words stuck with me.." nothing. Just a funny story including a possibly insane homeless guy, that's all. Nothing more. You want the gift of age? Fine here it is.

Being just humble enough to know whatever you learned today is nothing new, just new to you, so you can't be arrogant about how well you know yourself because you'll simply get older, and in doing so evolve, and in doing so feel like your previous self was a fucking idiot.


Today is my Mother's birthday she's 62. Today she's my reason to keep breathing. She's a great mother and a great friend.


PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE! THEY EVOLVE! What they evolve into isn't always pretty, hell sometimes it's down right horrifying or pathetic, but they will, and they do and they will always be. Some people just replace crack with Jesus.


As for my friends -Well on Facebook I have 297 - but that means nothing. I actually only hang with 4 people, The mother of my child and best friend Rebbecca, My friends, Jeff, Jason and Chris. The best part about these particular people? I don't need them, and they don't need me - We stay in each other orbit because in one capacity or another we enjoy being around each other and we choose to and when we don't see each other for weeks or months on end.. nothing changes.
Simple, elegant and usually non-drama.I have other friend in other states and a few right here in town I would call close but life gets in the way and when two lives get in the way it's hard to get around to play pool.


My father instilled a very strict ideal of what a provider should be, weather or not that's my path it feel terrible not to provide for me or my small extended family. Something needs to give and with a quickness because I'm failing. Unfortunately you can't walk into a place and demand a job at gun point. 

(ONION MOVIE)
I couldn't afford a gun anyhow, let alone bullets! Rocks?! I might throw rocks..

It's hard to have hopes and dreams or even nice idea's without the means to carry them out because then all you are really doing (in my case of course) Is wasting time. I hate wasting time, maybe that's why I made this blog... hmmm evolving...

So Who am I?
I'm a comedian who doesn't laugh
I'm a rat on a wheel with a bum filter in his gut.
I'm a biker without a bike because I deemed other things too important as they were.
I'm in a quarter life crisis in which I feel like every word is a waste of time.
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother.. that one's not me
I'm a sinner who doesn't believe in absolution
I'm a musician who can't feel the music anymore
I think a lot of people are idiots
I'm a fighter fighting myself and a small gang of life.. life has chains, and nun-chucks!
I think we as a people put too much stock in sides instead of issues
I believe your past, or disease don't have to define you
and I believe that hardest thing in life is to keep breathing, keep fighting, and keep looking for what can make you happy without over looking the things that just make you content. It's not a bad thing to want better, in fact I think that bettering yourself needs to be a goal.
I am a father of the best little girl in the world and I wouldn't change that for anything money or god could provide. The only thing of note in my world that stands out is not the shows I have performed at or the thousands I have made laugh: It's being a father to her. I'll always love you Zoey.
I don't think being a control freak is a bad thing, but you (I) have to learn that there is a lot out of control.
Like mining for gold in the dark I always felt like I was on the verge of something great always looking for whats next. Take a breath, and make it happen. No one can do it for you.

Hope this answered your question