"Ten Celebrities"

"Ten Celebrities"
by Ed Colón

So one of my fellow comedy buddies whom you might know as, Chris Green, posted a blog called "Ten Celebrities" which is just what you might have though - A list of 10 people who he would like to "Get to know better."

Now, you know me, I'm Evil - I really wanted to make this blog the same thing except list normal people most of which would be related to him, but I realized that wouldn't go over all that well with the public at large because you obviously don't know them, but you would want to after I was done.

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#10. Allison Mack
You've seen her on Smallville for years

  

My nerdy semi helpless yet rock star ways makes me seem obtainable

 Other than she's hot, She has a sweet quality that I only hope is just as prevalent in real life. Simply because when she rejects me I hope I can still smile and walk away from such an angel... who's probably a lesbian if she doesn't go out with me to begin with.




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#9. Amanda Seyfried

The only thing that got straight guys through the movie "Mamma Mia"
That and the possibility of sex for sitting through that movie

This Girl, again, seems sweet, but who knows. I also find the use of who knows pretty funny because she has been in a ton of things according to IMDB and she has won some awards.

Admit it you had no clue who she was until I mentioned "Mamma Mia"



                                             


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#8. Teresa Palmer 
YOUTUBE HER AND LISTEN TO HER VOICE!!

"................damn................"

 

Teresa Palmer was in "The Grudge 2", "Bed Time Stories" with Adam Sandler, and will be in Harry Potter 47 "The Sorcerers Apprentice" 

The best Part is she's Australian and with that sweet accent she delivers the best line in the bed time stories movie
"Here's your fat mouse"

how she knew I called it my fat mouse is beyond me
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#7. KRISTEN STEWART 
She's really ..ok in that movie "Adventure Land"

 
  Sometimes I look at her and I want to hold her and keep her from being scared and cold and fucking twitchy as I whisper in her ear "Act Harder!"


I'll be honest with the whole twilight saga fame she's getting she's probably not going on my next ten celebrities list - maybe she will be on my "10 Celebrities I'd nail just to say I did"..next to Betty Paige (rip)


                                            
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#6. Hayden Panettiere

"Shave the cheerleader, save the world"


To quote my Comedy friend Kyle Stewart "Every night would be prom night with a girl that can regenerate"

I've wanted her since Remember the titans..yeah I said it

FUN FACT: She has a tattoo along her left flank in ItalianThe tattoo reads "Vivere senza rimipianti", which means "To live without regrets", but the spelling is wrong: "rimpianti"(correct spelling) doesn't have an additional "i" between the "m" and the "p".

...that wouldn't stop me

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#5. Kat Dennings

NICK AND NORAH'S INFINITE PLAY LIST
THE HOUSE BUNNY
THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN
....Raising dad on the long lost channel THE WB circa 2001 - 2002
....She's hot and a bitch - I hate Michael Cera  
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#4. KRISTEN BELL
 

"Be gentle, then rough, then my turn.."

 
Jesus, what can I say about Kristen - Other than were on a first name basis
I first saw her in reefer madness and I thought
Pretty tiny girl can sing - then she "Took the devils herb" and I thought - I can't wait to rent this, grab some tissues, and put it on mute and pleasure myself while I'm high
...too much?

She was unforgettably Sarah Marshall in forgetting Sarah Marshall
She was Veronica Mars in Veronica Mars
and she was a tempting little slut vixen every time I watch heroes
... on mute
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#3. Olivia Wilde

"So you're saying you have had an erection for 5 seasons so far?"

"My eyes says yes when my lips say nothing at all.. then they say No!"

She currently plays Dr. Remy Hadley or AKA 13 on Fox's show HOUSE M.D.
But look at her.. she can be playing the recorder in a sea of goat shit and I'd still watch and imagine.

If your the other person who saw "Year One" she was the princess
She might be the only good thing in tron
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#2. ELISHA CUTHBERT
I wish she was my girl next door... that was lame
I wish I had her captive for 24 hours... that's better

Elisha Cuthbert is amazingly attractive
You might have seen her is such IMMENSE blockbusters as
HOUSE OF WAX
THE GIRL NEXT DOOR
and she's on some rinky dink show called 24
I watched house of wax twice!...on mute
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(This was Hard to choose)

#1. Eliza Dushku

OK! I have had a thing for Eliza Dushku since that night.. I saw her play
Faith in season 3 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer
She was on Tru calling for a season and a half, and was on the hugely successful
"Doll House"
...for a season and a half..
SHE DESERVES BETTER! SHE'S A GODDESS!

Oh hey and the best part is she was brought up Mormon - So she's already brain washed! HELL YEAH! TAKE OFF THEM MAGIC UNDERWEAR HERE COMES A SCRAP RIGHT FROM THE BOTTOM OF YOUR BARREL!

So here is my formal invitation! 
Dear, Eliza
I have No money, I have really nothing to offer
But I probably can make you laugh... 
provided you laugh at mormon jokes
Contact me
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So what did we learn?
I always thought I really like brunettes more than blonds but 6 out of 10 seems to prove me wrong

I have an affinity for bad acting
(ELIZA EXCLUDED!)
...and I'm positive if I ever met
ANYONE of these lovely women
I would probably make a huge ass of myself

So that's the end of "Ten Celebrities"

Just one last thing to do before I go
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#1. Guy
Just to get it out of my system

I CALL DIBS ON PITCHING!!!

Why did I change the blog title?

The constant nagging in my head about the title of the blog "Which Begs The Question" finally prompted me to verify the grammar first hand. Wouldn't you know it, I was justified in my minor annoyance.

Which raises the question...?

"Why did I change the blog title?"

The phrase which begs the question is so over used and frankly a bit pretentious sounding. So much so that I decided to look at the possibility of it being grammatically incorrect. Lets take the base of the phrase "Which

 begs 'THE' question. So is it begging the question? Is the begging of the question before or post question? How dose one 'Beg" a question? How is 'beg' intended to imply?

Well much to my shock I simply googled it and found a metric fuck ton of info on how I was using it improperly! about 1,220,000 matches on grammar misuses of my beloved ex blog title. I knew it seemed off but I didn't know exactly how.

"Begging the question" is a form of logical fallacy in which a statement or claim is assumed to be true without evidence other than the statement or claim itself. When one begs the question, the initial assumption of a statement is treated as already proven without any logic to show why the statement is true in the first place.  http://begthequestion.info/

"For example, let's say Squiggly is trying to convince Aardvark that chocolate is healthful, and his argument is that chocolate grows on trees, so it must be healthful. Aardvark could rightly say there's no proof that something is good for you simply because it grows on a tree. Some things that grow on trees are poisonous--Chinaberry tree fruit, for example. So Squiggly's argument is based on a faulty premise." -Grammar Girl

For more of an etymology/historical view

"In 350 BCE, Aristotle originally described a logical problem where a person uses a conclusion to make an argument."

 "Aristotle's Greek was later translated into the Latin, petitio principii."

"And in the year 1581, the Latin phrase was re translated into English as begs the question."

-Grammar Grater With Luke Taylor

I even learned that this is so common and such a well known 'logical fallacy" that their was even an April fools prank played on the people who are grammar Nazi's. "DOWN WITH BTQ!" was a April fools prank, http://begthequestion.info was actually requesting a march on to Washington in protest of people who use this phrase improperly.

So in summation..

I done talk gooder than this and I reckon this blog on this her interweb should represent me as a cunning linguist that's why I up and quickly shit canned the old blog title... I reckon.  -Me

Who am I?

I have written one blog, one, ONE, 1, Uno, ichi and somehow I have received several 'pointers' possibly you can call them constructive criticism from people who "Really Blog." I honestly received six critiques mainly saying the same thing. "Who are you?" "Why should we care if we don't know you?" and mostly "So this is what you did that day.. just thought about this all day? be more personal talk about what you did and what your planning and stuff no one wants to hear your opinion on things." So in mature retort: 

"Go Fuck something related to yourself!"

I was under the impression that this is MY blog, I can post the words "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" 2938472984 times and post it everyday if I wanted to. This pretentious assumption that I have to write every move of everyday seems not only exhausting but a tad bit self absorbed. I understand people are voyeuristic and inclined to snoop in others business but I assure you nothings all that special with me.
Which begs the question..?

"Who am I?" 

Fine! I'm an out of work Comedian, out of work in both respects. I pay my few bills with guitar lessons I teach and charge for. Since the last time I wrote blog 1, I have applied at 23 places with no production. I have a 3 year old girl named Zoey who means so much to me to ridiculous, yet I still have to fight my depression just to get out of bed - of course that's after I stare at the ceiling looking for another reason just to keep breathing. I know, I know, I can hear it now "Isn't she enough to live for?" Well yes, but much like any drug you can build a tolerance. Horrible I know, but I'm also honest. I have this over inflated sense of right and wrong and this horrible ability to understand most to all aspects of life. I know myself enough to know my problems and isolate them, however lately it's been a very heavy fucking blanket of crap which makes it hard to care about anything. About 4 months ago I got diagnosed with Liver disease and if I don't fix that by losing weight I'll be in a world of shit. Well, I've lost 35 LBS and I still have a problem... I keep wanting to fight because that's all I do, fight. I assume much like a few other people, I noticed I don't know how to have fun. I'm either uncomfortable or blah.

Liver keeps hurting, need to get it checked I hope it hurts because it's regenerating...
BTW I don't drink, ain't that a fucking bitch.. should have had a few kegs
OK..  Two long Island Ice teas and my panties are in the air.

I don't know why I decided to write this, and this meaning all of this, this blog in general and this specific blog. I can only assume it is to purge demons.. I have a lot of demons.
   
I don't remember where I hear that writing is cathartic.. I guess we'll see. 

Anyhow, Back to the main question of the blog this time around.. Who am I? Isn't that the MAIN question life? I laughed the first time someone asked me "Who are you?"
I responded with "Ed." The guy got all quiet leans close to me, and looks into my eyes and asks.
"Who's Ed?" Without missing a beat, I leaned in close to him, looked into his eyes and say.
"Still me"
He then started the preach to the small group of people I was with about how that question, and how it is what we all must try to answer and learn from. I cut him off to ask 
"Wait? Everyone has been asking this question?!'
"Why yes son" I turned to my group of friends "I'm Ed.. We hung out last week.. smoked pot remember?"
Then the guy made it all general about how we have to find out who we are as people on this planet. At that point I gave up giving a shit and messing with the guy was getting boring.


That's it...



No revelation, no "His words stuck with me.." nothing. Just a funny story including a possibly insane homeless guy, that's all. Nothing more. You want the gift of age? Fine here it is.

Being just humble enough to know whatever you learned today is nothing new, just new to you, so you can't be arrogant about how well you know yourself because you'll simply get older, and in doing so evolve, and in doing so feel like your previous self was a fucking idiot.


Today is my Mother's birthday she's 62. Today she's my reason to keep breathing. She's a great mother and a great friend.


PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE! THEY EVOLVE! What they evolve into isn't always pretty, hell sometimes it's down right horrifying or pathetic, but they will, and they do and they will always be. Some people just replace crack with Jesus.


As for my friends -Well on Facebook I have 297 - but that means nothing. I actually only hang with 4 people, The mother of my child and best friend Rebbecca, My friends, Jeff, Jason and Chris. The best part about these particular people? I don't need them, and they don't need me - We stay in each other orbit because in one capacity or another we enjoy being around each other and we choose to and when we don't see each other for weeks or months on end.. nothing changes.
Simple, elegant and usually non-drama.I have other friend in other states and a few right here in town I would call close but life gets in the way and when two lives get in the way it's hard to get around to play pool.


My father instilled a very strict ideal of what a provider should be, weather or not that's my path it feel terrible not to provide for me or my small extended family. Something needs to give and with a quickness because I'm failing. Unfortunately you can't walk into a place and demand a job at gun point. 

(ONION MOVIE)
I couldn't afford a gun anyhow, let alone bullets! Rocks?! I might throw rocks..

It's hard to have hopes and dreams or even nice idea's without the means to carry them out because then all you are really doing (in my case of course) Is wasting time. I hate wasting time, maybe that's why I made this blog... hmmm evolving...

So Who am I?
I'm a comedian who doesn't laugh
I'm a rat on a wheel with a bum filter in his gut.
I'm a biker without a bike because I deemed other things too important as they were.
I'm in a quarter life crisis in which I feel like every word is a waste of time.
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother.. that one's not me
I'm a sinner who doesn't believe in absolution
I'm a musician who can't feel the music anymore
I think a lot of people are idiots
I'm a fighter fighting myself and a small gang of life.. life has chains, and nun-chucks!
I think we as a people put too much stock in sides instead of issues
I believe your past, or disease don't have to define you
and I believe that hardest thing in life is to keep breathing, keep fighting, and keep looking for what can make you happy without over looking the things that just make you content. It's not a bad thing to want better, in fact I think that bettering yourself needs to be a goal.
I am a father of the best little girl in the world and I wouldn't change that for anything money or god could provide. The only thing of note in my world that stands out is not the shows I have performed at or the thousands I have made laugh: It's being a father to her. I'll always love you Zoey.
I don't think being a control freak is a bad thing, but you (I) have to learn that there is a lot out of control.
Like mining for gold in the dark I always felt like I was on the verge of something great always looking for whats next. Take a breath, and make it happen. No one can do it for you.

Hope this answered your question

Where have all the cowboys gone?

When I was younger, I watched movies much the same way most of you probably do. You allow the suspending of disbelief and the players to paint the vision of the world in which they are in to emerge into a story, sometimes actually worth watching. I remember watching with baited breath to see how Doc Brown was going to get Marty 'Back to the future!' The Ghost Busters had it under control in NYC even if the villain in the second one, or as I call it the 'unfortunate' one, was Vigo the oil painting with an attitude. The portal of movies was always something I loved and always filled me with a true wonderment.

Well, A few acting and film classes can shoot that magic right into the crapper.

Now I watch movie's or television shows and I notice how the camera pans into a shot, the way the lighting in certain areas indicate the intensity of the plot and mainly- How the actors can rattle off such odd and nonsensical jargon without having the foggiest clue of what in the shit they are saying!

The biggest offender of this is one of my favorite shows HOUSE M.D.

Every week we see the ensemble of HOUSE M.D. rattle off complex medical statements to the point where, when I learned first about this show, as I watched I thought.. "WTF ARE THEY SAYING!?"
I didn't want to be one of the people, like a few, who watch House in a daze until the next quip comes about.
Or as I like to call it "The Dennis Miller Syndrome"

SIDE NOTES

• People who say they are HUGE Dennis Miller fans... ARE LYING TO YOU!
• He's great and amazing and way too well read to have the common comedy central or HBO watcher to laugh knee slapping at every joke!
• I believe he's only famous because the people who manage him don't want to let on how stupid they are.

Well I educated myself about said jargon simply by watching and I learned a bit. I also became a big fan of Discovery health with their House-lite shows such as: Diagnosis Mystery, Mystery Diagnosis, Diagnosis X, Medical Mystery and other variations of the same show entitled by the same 5 words but jumbled. The library helped too. Now I have a new found respect for doctors, nurses and actors. Why actors?

So what do you consider a good actor? Being able to convey such emotion that it makes you have a genuine emotion for their character? Or the dead panned delivery of random scatological verbiage? I say "Why not both!"

Keep in mind this steams from how I look at television shows, it's the worst with Sci-Fi. I know this guy just woke up 2 hours before filming that day, looked over his script while drinking coffee in a make up chair, made his way to the set and then has to pretend he's a captain of the ship that is being shot at. All the while the Bob (Who still owes him 30 bucks) is dressed as an Alien and is really Lord Glakmoore from Sirius 7 and he's willing to negotiate a trade of one million kragors for the 3 hostages from his crew or a the red crystal he found on Paxil. I've never been into comics either.

Run on sentences aside, this is just how I feel when I watch shows like "FIREFLY." FireFly is an amazing show set so far in the future the language changed, so from time to time they will slide into this gibberish baby talk that was brought to my attention as being Chinese with no subtitles so you have to get what they are saying through body and facial language. I think the show is great and a damn shame it didn't last. It's filled with action, sexiness, and that special Joss Whedon humor you can't find anywhere else except his work. Come on, you know at one point or another they looked at the script and thought "You got to be fucking kidding me?" I also believe that no matter how professional the actors are they had to have wasted a ton of film laughing their asses off. British humor is very different than American humor too.

 As I mention before one of my favorite shows is HOUSE M.D. and as I watched I stare in awe, because Huge Laurie AKA Gregory House M.D. is British. Huge Laurie was born in Oxford, England and does an American accent (Yes, we have accents) seamlessly. We, as Americans, can't do an accent without sounding stereotypical to each other, my southern drawl sounds like Yosemite Sam, my Midwest sounds like Fargo, and I can't do a Jersey accent without sounding like a dumb-ass 'Situation' or Fran Drescher.
Which Begs the question..?

"Where have all the Cowboy's gone?"

Another show that I am getting into is "Sons of Anarchy" on FX. 'SOA' is a show about a out law bike gang that runs guns and all the politics that go along with it. The main Character Jackson 'Jax' Teller is played by Charlie Hunnam who was born Newcastle, England! Once again he has the American accent down pat. SOA takes place in California and Hunnam has that subtle west coast swagger without ever over doing it and sounding like a bad Saved by the Bell episode... I know, it's too easy of a joke.

Imagine, your an actor and you get a roll on a major BBC show where you play a British from Oxford, and you have to do this without sounding insulting. How much does it pay? Whats a pound?

AND THE BRITS JUST KEEP ON COMING!

When I say 'Edward Cullen' it generally elicits three different types of responses per any given group:

1. "OH MY GOD HE'S SO HAWT!"
2. "EW? TEAM JACOB! HE'S SO MUCH HOTTER!"
3. ::SIGH:: "The Twilight faggot?

Even though all these statements are proven facts it doesn't change the one fact that Robert Pattison was born in London, England. Yes, just another dirty foreigner coming here to take our jobs!

Seriously? Is the recession that bad that we have to outsource our actors too? Do they come cheaper? Well each member of 'Friend's' were getting 1 million dollars an episode as to where Huge Laurie is only getting 450,000 and  show... then again that was a happier administration.. I mean, time.

A bit o' research later I found out this has been happening for years!

Cary Grant was a dancing, acting machine and somehow in the folds of time we assume he's American. Born Archibald Alexander Leach in Bristol, England!


Remember Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles? Well the main character Lena Headey was born in Bermuda, where her father, a Yorkshire police cadet, was sent shortly before she was born. She was raised in Bermuda living on the ocean, until she was 5. Back in England, she was brought up in Yorkshire, before moving to London in her teens. - Yes I copied that from IMDB!

One that floored me was Charlie Chaplin! Charles Spencer Chaplin was born in Walworth, London, England. Again! his accent was... oh yeah.

As for the British 'Film' invasion no real harm or foul has been done, if anything I think it has made television and movie's a bit better. We already know that the musical British invasion of the 50's, 60's 70's and 80's went supremely well! Dusty Springfield, The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Ozzy, Rolling Stones, Clapton! Madonna's pretentious accent?!?!  
So these 'Invasions' are going so much better than the first one - However I'm at a loss. Wasn't Los Angeles filled with actors and screen play writes, better known as waiters and exotic dancers? At Last check New York was still a beacon for people wishing to play the fame lottery? And isn't Orlando Still a shit hole?

So in my opinion since these talented British actors and actresses can fly under our radar so well it strikes me as a possibility we will never have another Cary Grant, or Chaplin. Let alone a flood of talented British actors that fill our screens and move us like the Beatles or Stones. It might be because they are acting like Americans.. Who knows! For all I know more British accents will pour into the mainstream, we do have 2 more Harry Potter's coming out. The show 'Lie To Me' On Fox is spearheaded by Tim Roth and he's SUPER British like really, really uber British. This might be the start of a major flux in our leading men and women! Maybe the British accent can stop being attached to the villain or side kick to make them more 'villainous' and side kicky because, as Americans, that accent has to be attached to a villain via our DNA and that can't be in charge right? Well I'm looking forward to more sexy British women as Bond girls and less Twilight.    

Well, provided this blog goes well, I'll make it a point to write more about whatever in the hell I wish, I hope you had some nice insights and maybe willing to give some shows a shot that you might not have heard or thought of trying.

Until next time I'll be here chuffed to bits imagining Kate Beckinsale, Emily Watson, Helena Bonham Carter, and Minnie Driver washing my manky Domestic car in nothing but their knickers while my trousers are around my ankles enjoying a wank.